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Synopsis:
Will the Cheating Never End?
Breaking News!
Biden Ballots!
FBI finds nearly seven million Joe Biden ballots
in Alabama woman's car trunk!
Sumter County, Alabama: After answering
a
routine mid-morning request to repair a flat
tire, Alabama FBI agents found the trunk of a
Sumter County woman's black Nissan Altima filled
with ballots listing Joe Biden for President. In
the Altima's glove compartment,.the agents also
found eleven books of first-class stamps
depicting Elvis. "We speculate she was planning
on mailing these to the local voting station.
Had she been able to do so, all of Alabama's
electoral votes would have gone to the Biden
campaign. We can just thank alert agents who
acted quickly on finding the nearly seven
million ballots,"
a federal law enforcement official who
wished to remain anonymous commented.
And that’s only the start! Soon,
New York lawyer
Rudy Gullibilliani travels to
Sumter County, Alabama,
in an effort to rectify if not
clarify matters.
As Mr. Gullibilliani states, “I
know criminals very
well. That’s why I’m here.”
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Excerpt from Book:
Breaking News!
FBI Finds Nearly Seven Million Biden Ballots in
Alabama Woman’s Car! Sumter County, Alabama:
Upon responding to a routine mid-morning request
to repair a flat tire, Alabama FBI agents found
the trunk of a Sumter County woman’s black
Nissan Altima filled with ballots listing Joe
Biden for President. Agents also found eleven
books of first-class Elvis stamps in the
Altima’s glove compartment. “We speculate she
was planning on mailing these to the local
voting station. Had she been able to do so, all
of Alabama’s electoral votes would have gone to
the Biden campaign. We can just thank alert
agents who acted quickly on finding the nearly
seven million ballots,” a federal law
enforcement official who wished to remain
anonymous commented.
Update!
Alleged Woman! The alleged woman who, according
to a local poll supervisor, had over seven
million Biden ballots in the trunk of her car is
now being held on Suspicion. The alleged woman
whose black Nissan Altima contained well over
seven million illegal Presidential ballots for
Joe Biden and ten books of first-class stamps is
now being held in Sumter County Jail on a charge
of Suspicion.
Breaking News!
FBI Questions Poll Supervisor’s Numbers!
Southwest Alabama Field Agent Sam Strong
questioned the numbers released by Poll
Supervisor Eve Adams yesterday. “We counted
eleven booklets of stamps. And just a bit under
seven million ballots. I want to keep the exact
number under wraps for security reasons. And I
hereby emphasize that the first thing all agents
go through is a month-long course in counting.
This course, The Hoover Number Assessment
Protocol, was instigated by Mr. J. Edgar Hoover
himself, and it involves instant amount
appraisal and employs memory devices for
numbers, be they Arab, Roman, or otherwise.”
When asked if the memory devices might involve
fingers and toes, Field Agent Strong replied
that the methodology was classified information.
“You do know that Sumter County is among the
poorest in the nation, so a single one of those
stamp booklets would make a very attractive
catch,” he added. When then asked why the
polling agents might exaggerate the ballot
count, Agent Strong answered, “Those folk down
there are attention-hungry. They think any
attention will land them jobs and money. Maybe a
new needle manufacturing plant. Maybe a new
plastic garbage can manufacturer. I don’t know,
maybe a way to recycle cat litter. Jobs, jobs,
jobs. That’s all they’re interested in. I need
to add here that my supervisors in Birmingham
and Atlanta and even Washington are considering
an FBI recount of both those stamp booklets and
those ballots.”
In related news, the alleged woman, whose name
is still being withheld pending notification of
some people, broke her silence and admitted, “I
used one of those stamps to pay the gas bill.
Please tell Joe I’m sorry.” When asked if she
meant the alleged President-elect, the woman
refused to answer. When asked how many booklets
were in her glove compartment, the alleged woman
said, “I’ve never been good at numbers.” The
alleged woman’s bail has been set at $143. It’s
uncertain whether she will meet that bail.
In news elsewhere, the governor of Alabama has
fired Alabama’s Secretary of Defense. Livingston
Mayor Babette “Babes” Babcock could not be
reached for comment, but Poll Supervisor Eve
Adams said, “This is very troubling. Sumter
County’s eastern (sic) boundary borders on
Lauderdale County and Meridian, Mississippi.
Those folk have always been jealous of our
resources. I just don’t know what might happen
without a good Secretary of Defense.”
Update!
Ballot Count Confirmed! Sumter County voting
supervisor Eve Adams has confirmed that over
seven million ballots were found in a black
Nissan Altima. “Soon as we saw that hunk of
ballots the FBI dropped off, we knew there was
more than seven million,” Ms. Adams stated. “Our
first count came to seven million and one.
With a number that large, you just got to count
twice, so we did and come up with seven million
and three. Frankly, my four poll volunteers are
as old as them candidates up there in
Washington, so I got some young blood in and
they confirmed seven million and two, two
separate times. I’m confident of that number. A
number of fake ballots like that would have been
a slap in the face to Sumter County and to all
of Alabama.”
When asked about the eleven books of stamps
found in the Nissan’s glove compartment, Ms.
Adams replied, “I don’t know where the FBI got
that eleven number. We counted only ten.”
When asked about the alleged relationship
between the alleged woman who had the alleged
ballots in her Nissan’s alleged trunk and her
alleged mother who worked at the alleged
Livingston post office, Ms. Adams replied, “I
feel heavy tulips for her. I’m a mother myself.
I got two children in grade school and one
starting high. You just hate to see one of your
own in trouble. Listen here, I don’t got time
for fiddle-faddle questions. I need to get to
work.” Ms. Adams reportedly held her palm in a
young, polite reporter’s face to end the
interview.
In related news, the Nissan owner’s identity is
still being withheld pending notification of
some people. She is being held under Suspicion,
and her bail has not been set, despite a prior
report. The FBI is investigating the alleged
mother of the alleged woman, who allegedly
recently retired from the local post office in
Livingston. Not the alleged woman, just to
clarify, but the alleged woman’s alleged
mother—she allegedly retired from the Livingston
post office.
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