Literture

Catfish Karkowsky

     Literture is Catfish Karkowsky’s first book. It is a collection of short shorts that focus on a celebration of self-imposed dementia, the re-emergence of ethics married to aesthetics, the rhythm in preponderant laughter, the roles and postures of stories in absurd life, and the peculiar quiddity of a well-told toilet joke. Each story offers at least one goofy character for the reader’s appraisal—to judge, to be judged, to laugh at, to love, to have that love laughed at.

ISBN: 978-1-60489-040-2 Trade Paper $15.95

ISBN: 978-1-60489-039-6 Library Binding $26

pages 160

Real Creamy Ice Cream

Remember when that guy came up to you and was like, hey lets have sex, and you were like, I'm not gay, and the guy was like, I'm a girl, and you were like, I don’t have sex with strangers from the street, and then the person was like, you know me, I'm your wife we’ve been married for fifteen years and we have three kids and a house over there near the ice cream store, and you were like, I really like that ice cream store, the ice cream there is real creamy, and she was like, yeah that’s why we bought the house, so you could have creamy ice cream every day, and you were like, that was a great idea, I do love ice cream.

And she was like, wasn’t that nice of me to let us move there, even though ice cream gives you amnesia.

And you were like that’s preposterous, and she was like, I know it must sound that way to you but here’s a note from the doctor, and then she took out this note that said you get amnesia from ice cream.

You looked at it and you were like, hey that’s my family doctor from when I was a little kid, and the woman got kind of angry, and was like, that he remembers but his own wife he draws a blank. And you were like, I don’t know, though, I mean, even if I compromise that ice cream gives me amnesia I haven’t eaten ice cream in a while, maybe months, probably because I'm well aware of my amnesia problem and take pains not to trigger it, and she was like, what’s that in your hand dumbass? But real sarcastic-like because you had an ice cream cone in your hand, and you looked down and you saw that it was an ice cream cone, she hadn’t been tricking you at all. You were eating ice cream and it does give you amnesia and she probably is your wife because who else would marry such a brainfuck like you, and then you were like, oh, thank you dear, it is an ice cream cone, how silly of me, and then you were about to take a lick of the ice cream because its one of your favorite flavors–double-chocolate-cherry–but your wife held the ice cream away from your mouth.

As your wife I forbid you to eat more ice cream and lose more memory. Soon your mind will be as blank as vanilla, is what she said.

First you almost punched her, because no one gets in between you and double-chocolate-cherry, not even some two-bit whore who calls herself your wife. She took off her clothes and yelled, I won’t be married to a vanilla brain! And you thought that was so funny because here was this woman you didn’t even know, taking off her clothes in a sacrificial way for you when, quite honestly, you don’t even like yourself. To top it all off: vanilla is your least favorite flavor. It’s like white sugar doo-doo, is how you put it.

 While you were laughing she took the ice cream and dumped it down the sewer, and you went diving down there afterwards because of course it’s your superduper favorite flavor of ice cream. Then you were down in the sewer for three years because there was no way out. The woman was bringing you sandwiches for a few days and then one day she brought you an ice-cream cone, vanilla, your least favorite, but you ate it anyway because you were so starving and she bent down to the sewer hole and was like, oh sorry wrong guy, and then she left forever, and you were like, hell, story of my life. And I'm just this second guy in your head, not even a real person, just a voice, and let me tell you, there’s no doubt that you’ve gone totally crazy. Remember how I showed you a note from your family doctor that says if you eat vanilla you’ll go bonkers. And you were like, hey that’s my family doctor from when I was a kid, and I gave you a big hug in your brain because you’re so doggone cute sometimes especially when you’re double-chocolate-mindless. I’ll still be your friend even though you can’t remember where you are or what you love, if you love ice cream or cheesecake, and this sewerhole will be your home for all of spotless eternity. Because you’re funny, you make me laugh and it reminds me of childhood.